OP0001

The Man from Provence

Quite well written, with poignancy and nostalgia, and sadness for the old man himself. A good demonstration of reality in the way our elderly are treated. Kept me interested to the end, but then let me down - just petered out. Ending needs strengthening to supply good structure and reader satisfaction.

OP0002

The Christmas Gift

A touching story that tugged the heart-strings. Rather formal English and rather staccato in tone; short sentences can be good when going for movement and impact, but it can be overdone. The story was rather unstructured, and with no real ending, which gave a feeling of blandness.

OP0003

A Stray Life

A glimpse into the life of a stray cat which has points of interest, but a somewhat bland storyline that doesn't really go anywhere. Careless with tenses and wording. Unsurprising in content.

OP0004

The Knowledge

Writing style had good spots, but generally a sordid, shabby feel that sometimes gabbles. Long sentences, not always easy to follow either story or purpose. Interesting twist with transvestite, but then it went nowhere; nor had it actually been anywhere, really. Punctuation and phrasing need work.

OP0005

An Inhospitable Place

While I sympathised (slightly) with the girl, this was not really a story at all; didn't seem to go anywhere - just a relating of a break-up in an unusual setting. The writing was fine, did what it had to do, but no character building, I didn't care about them, and found this uninspiring on the whole.

OP0006

Miss Ripley Came To Town

Some of the descriptions were vivid, but this was not well researched - though I suspect some of the problems were caused by possibly English being a second language for the writer. Rams and bulls were mixed up. Ideas not well articulated. Dialogue unrealistic and stilted. No structure as such. Generally not well thought out. Seemed pointless, and ended in nothing.

OP0007

The Spring Princess 

Well written, a lovely fairy story as such, but poorly targeted, and lost marks for this. Entering a story about these kinds of spirits, and Mother Earth, to a competition sponsored by a Christian publisher is rather questionable!

OP0008

Of Turkish Wrestlers and Defeated Men

Very well written. Could do with better polishing, but quirky and very visual. Points removed for inappropriate subject matter (homosexuality - poorly targeted!).

OP0009

Just Believe

A nice round of interlinking little tales following a cape blessing shared. Nicely written but not outstanding, and the ending was a little surreal after the tone of the rest of the story, which changed the key and disappointed me.

OP0010

White Owls Hunt By Night

(Full critique to be sent.) Excellent use of imagination and atmosphere, good movement and progression, clever juxtapositions, though some parts not quite connecting. More research into the slave trade would probably have reflected better in the story, and the grammar, spelling, phrasing and punctuation all need a huge amount of work. But I enjoyed the story itself immensely!

OP0011

The Biggest Lie 

A bit clichéd in places, and name references need placing better - end of first para is confusing to a reader who doesn't yet know name of main character, or who Julie is. Introduction of main character's name is incidental, coming after Julie, so reader has to sort it out. The end is too abrupt and unresolved, not in keeping with the story itself. Otherwise the writing is fine.

OP0012

The Angel at the Top of the Tree

(Full critique to be sent.) Lovely story, nicely told, if a little slow-moving. Remember to leave some things to the reader's imagination, or keep them as a later surprise - not everything needs to be spelled out. Do watch your punctuation, especially commas poorly placed.

OP0013

An Act of Forgiveness

The story itself is quite sweet, but simplistic and clumsy, and much of the action seemed rather unlikely. Dialogue and characters need more development. Writing style throughout is a little pedantic; first part reads like a newspaper obituary. Punctuation and wording need work.

OP0014

Art For Goodness Sake

I really enjoyed the storyline and the punchline of this entry. However, the writing itself needs honing to bring it up to the same standard as the story itself. Punctuation, especially commas, was poor, and there was repetitive word use. But very promising as a short story!

OP0015

Memories

An intriguing premise that drew me on; though not wholly a new idea it was well presented for the most part. In a few places it's not quite convincing (behaviour of others, mostly). More attention to the reality feel would be good, but I did enjoy this.

OP0016

Time to Say Goodbye 

Well written and presented in a way that kept me intrigued, and my mind asking questions. Good structure. Tips: Including the Mayor's name (Ken Livingstone) dates it; better to avoid those situations. Watch punctuation - esp incorrect use of apostrophes.

OP0017

Girls' Night In 

The storyline itself is fast-paced and exciting, showing lots of promise and imagination. The writing skills need to be honed and strengthened considerably, but once corrected I believe this writer has good potential. At the moment, poor grammar, punctuation and wording all combine to interrupt the flow of the story for the reader.

OP0018

The Family Kidnap

Poignant and moving, a vivid if simplified glimpse into the realities that go on every day in this "land of the free". Told with a childish naïveté that depicts very well the viewpoint of an eleven year old from another world. More attention to punctuation and phrasing would improve the telling and raise the marks on this story.

OP0019

The Bombshell

Written with grand style and implied passion - excellent in tone, style, and content. Visually descriptive while at the same time admirably economical with gratuitous adjectives. A good story, with a nice (though not wholly unexpected) twist.

OP0020

The Bunch

(Full critique to be sent.) A nice salute to a father passed on. Good writing, painting an easily understood picture of a baseball father through his son's eyes, cleverly using his adult friends as foils. The tone of the whole setting could be felt and heard. A man's story.

OP0021

Just Deserts

Started strongly, but became diluted towards the end, and then finished very abruptly. Why didn't his credit card work? Needs something to show us she was instrumental - she needs to be more proactive. Writing itself reasonably good, but would have benefited from more use of paragraphs, and italics during the mental ping-pongs. Also, more polishing of phrasing would have avoided mistakes. (NB: My original comment questioning the spelling of the title was, as the writer pointed out, incorrect. Both spellings of "Just desserts/deserts" are accepted these days, but "deserts" is the original and actually correct usage. Thanks, Viv!)

OP0022

The Journey 

Well-pictured glimpse of the characters and thoughts that surround the writer; his observations of the people around him and the fish-out-of-water expressionism is well presented. Enjoyed this.

OP0023

The Welsh Hill

Nicely written and intriguing but much too short; ending very abrupt, which leaves one wondering about the purpose of the story. It doesn't actually GO anywhere, just recites an incident. Needs more follow-up.

OP0024

Counting Seconds

A sad, emotive look into the mind of a dying old woman. Characters of the nurses brief but well drawn, and a feeling of the vileness of the ward is very evocative. Ending is weak. Be more careful with use of tenses; writing in present is effective, but not if it's wrongly mixed with past tense wording (eg 4th para, "belonged" should be "belong").

OP0025

Sugar and Spice and Lilac Wallpaper 

Thoroughly enjoyed this story. It proceeds carefully from start to finish, drawing you on and disclosing more and more as we gradually realise the truth of who they are, and the sadness turns into an upswing in the tail that makes me want to wag it! Well written, well thought out, well structured.

OP0026

Add 30 oz Olive Oil & Scream

While the writing itself is very good and in places excellent, the content tried too hard for a cleverness it just fell short of achieving. It was not quite silly enough to be funny, and yet too silly to be taken as serious writing. The ending gave an impression of pointlessness; it needed a better punchline.

OP0027

At The Beach

Developed very well as the story went along. The drama is played out well, but is unresolved at the end, leaving me disappointed; it seemed to stop before it should have. The characters are sharply drawn however, and the progression is good.

OP0028

Memories

(Full critique to be sent.) A story with a lot of excitement, told in memories. Writing style fine, but could be stronger in wording and flow. Last sentence of first para seems totally out of place and irrelevant there, as well as tenses being wrong. Puntuation not too bad but still needs more care. Character appearances were a bit confusing and the progression wasn't always clear.

OP0029

The Ginger Jar

A nice story, with the characters easily understood and well drawn. Good twist in the tail. Needs better polishing to avoid errors and lift the marks, and would have benefited from stronger words and phrasing to make the writing more powerful.

OP0030

The Golden Dragon

Nicely undulating, switching between father and son - this could be better emphasised by extra line breaks between scenes. More care with polishing would have picked up over-use of words. A bit unbelievable in JC's choice of a child victim, over one who had actual cash. Ending too abrupt and without clarity. Was it JC or another child?

OP0031

Saturday Transport

An excellent "protest" story against the taxi situation in South Africa (and all over the rest of Africa too)! Well written, and to someone aware of the culture, very evocative. Nicely drawn characters and family situations. Polishing could be better.

OP0032

The Grand Hotel 

(Full critique to be sent.) Well led in, immediately making me wonder what someone like this is doing in a place like this. Curiosity aroused, this bode well for making me want to read on. The story unwinds well, but I did feel a little as though it was being told by a too-detached observer. More strength of feeling and colour would have improved it hugely.

OP0033

And Still, The World Is A Wonderful Place

A most unusual method of story telling, very visual and imaginative. I did find it hard to re-focus each time and figure out who we were watching at that moment, though. Had to read it twice to fully understand the system. Otherwise well written and intriguing.

OP0034

The Proposal

Beautifully written from inside the boy's head, a delicately presented observation of the positive changes within his family framework after a serious illness makes his parents reassess. Excellent presentation and polishing!

OP0035

The Savile Row Suite

A seemingly ordinary story imbued with interest and humour; I enjoyed it very much, and liked the twist in the tail. Well presented.

OP0036

Just A Pawn In The Game 

An inside look at council politics which conveyed the situation well, and the drama felt by the main character, but overall it seemed rather pointless in the end. Names and business titles used interchangeably are confusing in a short story, and you used Sheard and Gregson for the same man. Also lost marks on poor punctuation and capitalisation.

OP0037

Church Flowers

A well told every-day-life story, nicely written, with nice progression but not much real excitement or interest injected. Very soft ending. Sweet, but didn't leave much of an impression. Could be improved with stronger toning.

OP0038

A Year in Four Seasons

Interesting presentation, and each character had his/her clear own voice - well done. The story through the year progressed well, but the ending lost momentum and was too soft. Lost marks for repeated foul language.

OP0039

Murderous Intent

Very clever! Nice conversational writing style (could be improved by using your punctuation and wording to better effect, to dramatise and strengthen), and the storyline grabbed me from the beginning. It moved well, with lots of detail that helped and didn't hinder.

OP0040

The Last Retreat

Well portrayed and emotional, true-to-life, and topical, with good pitch points, a good rise at the end and then a sudden change, giving relief. Excellent way to end. Watch your punctuation, grammar and paragraphing. Was also formatted as a business letter.

OP0041

Magic Seeds - MOVED TO WC0008

This was moved to the Writers' Challenge category at request of the author after having work published that made her ineligible for the Open category.

OP0042

The Project 

Excellent story-telling! A very clear voice, and so many tiny comments that instantly implied a fuller picture. Characters quickly and easily seen, understood, and "heard". The setting is evocative, and the story is lightly humourous and a pleasure to read, with a great surprise ending!

OP0043

Dead Eye

Well told, if in places a little predictable. Good pace and interest, good detail. Although there is flow in places, in others it's a bit hitched and occasionally forced. Watch your punctuation.

OP0044

For Just 12 Minutes 

Very beginning belies itself; if he knew the reporter's name, there was no need for the introduction - a bit contrived. I didn't find this story holding my attention, and the end left me wondering what the purpose had really been. Writing a little clumsy; needs honing for better flow. Some bits didn't add up well. Needed better polishing for punctuation and wrong word use.

OP0045

Black Belts Highway 

Story itself is fast paced, but is let down often by weak word choice and flow; writing that doesn't quite sustain itself. Also just a little stretching the credibility factor here and there, with over-simplistic situations regarding the wife/mother. Watch your punctuation and grammar, too.

OP0046

Good-boned, and Kind-hearted

A delicious, rich experience for the reader who loves to soak in good writing! Excellent use of descriptive techniques; lovely resonance. Not so much a story as a situation painted in vibrant colours on a word-canvas by a master painter. Better use of paragraphs could have improved flow slightly.

OP0047

The Kiss

This was well written with good description and progression, and kept me interested, but then suddenly came to an abrupt end, without resolution. Was it submitted with missing pages, perhaps? The ending curtailed the marks given. Watch your punctuation here and there.

OP0048

When Someone Snapped

(Full critique to be sent.) An interesting parable, reminiscent of the tale of servant with a debt. It was perhaps just a little too implied here and there, but a good technique on the whole. Better polishing would have fixed small problems.

OP0049

And So It Goes: As it Always Will Be

Seemed more a collection of memories than a short story. Writing itself fine, but my attention kept drifting from the content; it couldn't hold my interest. The ending was slightly mystifying. Better polishing would have checked occasional typos.

OP0050

Talking Stories 

An intriguing and touching entry with a sweet charm. The writing has deft strokes, bold yet shy. Spelling needs fixing, which surprised me considering the skill of the writing itself.

OP0051

Demon

(Full critique to be sent.) A fantasy-type tale, with an interestingly matter-of-fact style used to portray something completely non-matter-of-fact (though in places too simplistic in dealing with events). Writing style in places a little naïve, but shows good promise, and the story-telling itself has good flow and imagination.

OP0052

The Fatwa

(Full critique to be sent.) Not so much a short story, as an exposition. I felt the story was simply a vehicle for a series of pontificatings. It didn't really go anywhere, and the one dramatic event in the story - his death - was almost a by-the-by. I felt the writer was simply finding a way to vent his own frustrations, rather than telling a story for the sake of story-telling.

OP0053

The Death of an Author

Strong shock factor, but comes across as slightly garbled; needs a lot of focus to follow properly, almost as though the writer's mind was moving faster than he/she could write. Rather a strange story that left me feeling it was somewhat pointless, especially when reaching the very abrupt and unresolved end. Better polishing would have weeded out typos and poor wording and punctuation choices.

OP0054

Whose Trio Sonata?

I suspect this story is by the writer of two other entries, earlier up in the ID numbers, because of the style and subject matter (and repeated names). However, of the three this story appeals most to me; it has more human interest and kept my attention because it moved and flowed better, and had good structure and a strong ending. Writing style still a tiny bit stiff, but definitely more comfortable. A little more proof-reading needed.

OP0055

The White Room

(Full critique to be sent.) This felt more like a precis of a couple of chapters from a book, rather than a short story. It wasn't about the White Room so much as about a child's experiences of the situation in St Kitts, pollen irritation, education, and apparently pirates - none of which truly hung together well enough. A strange experience, with an odd way of ending. The writing itself was fine, though not extraodinary."

OP0056

What Lay Beneath All That Is Me

(Full critique to be sent.) A very emotive entry, quite well told, but I would say more of a soul-cleansing than a story. A little mystifying regarding the "Mona" part. Grammar needs care, eg "everybody … are" should be "is"; "hanged" should be "hung". Better attention to proof reading necessary, for typos and punctuation."

OP0057

A Night Visit to the City

Series of place/building descriptions? Writing style a bit reportative rather than story-telling, and more a string of events that didn't actually impact on each other, like unconnected beads on a string. Two characters who are simply initials, not even names, and about whom we discover nothing at all, who come from nowhere, are without backstory, and go nowhere. All very disconnected, I felt!

OP0058

Reflections 

(Full critique to be sent.) Mystified by this one - not so much a story as a setting forth of concepts and opinions. There was a start and a sort of middle, but no real ending. No character building, no backstory other than what they're telling each other, and I'm left thinking, "So what?" Additionally, the dialogue was stilted, and punctuation poor.

OP0059

Just Undiscovered

Starts off well enough but rapidly becomes not so much a story as point to be made. It has a beginning and basic middle, but no ending, or even any form of resolution. Seemed to be simply a vehicle for making a point. Writing is okay. Punctuation and grammar need work.

OP0060

The Box 

(Full critique to be sent.) Good creation of interest from the beginning, and good follow through up to end of page 4 - then it falls apart. End is too vague and unresolved; some sort of indication of what happened, or didn't happen, would have improved it, without having to state anything outright. Feels like the writer started out enthusiastically, but then lost the plot.

OP0061

Parknapped

The storyline is appealing, but would have benefited from stronger phrasing and tighter structuring. Quite an intrigue in the beginning, but I quickly realised this was an animal - though presumed a dog, till the end. Nicely told on the whole, and a nice twist, but a little bit inconsistent, eg 'Thank goodness she is quiet today' - when was she noisy? The end also needs strengthening; it raises more questions than it answers. More care needed in use of commas and other punctuation.

OP0062

Losing Spring

A powerful and very moving glimpse into the ripped life and deep loss of a couple, and the promise of healing to come. Very well written, strong lines etched into the heart. More care with commas would have improved it.

OP0063

A Night in the Sea

Interesting patina. A strange mixture of simplistic concepts and sometimes slightly naïve writing, amidst stronger more mature use of phrasing and description that is quite evocative. But the ending just didn't fit the rest of the story; too harsh for the general tone and portrayals. Be careful of using wrong words (eg ""wondering"" instead of ""wandering"").

OP0064

Blue Bird

A fairy story that was a bit too ethereal to make any real sense, particularly at the end. Prettily written, but it didn't go anywhere or mean anything and left me wondering about its purpose.

OP0065

The Smell of Success

Writing style a bit hard-bitten, to the point of crassness - though I realise this is deliberate, it's done in such a way to put me off the story itself. Main character leaves absolutely no room for the reader to empathise - too unlikeable, so we don't care one jot about him or his life, or indeed the story itself; it simply repels. It also doesn't make sense; if he's falling in love, how can he walk away? Needs work on punctuation and phrasing.

OP0066

Exercise One

Confusing dream-like fantasy that didn't seem to lead from anywhere, or to anywhere. Seemed pointless. Badly structured, with careless spelling and phrasing, punctuation and grammar. Lost marks on foul language; completely unnecessary for a good wordsmith.

OP0067

Muffy's Tea 

A very, very strange and unpleasant entry, reminiscent of a bad attempt at little girl version of Chucky. It has no definitive target audience, makes no sense, moves from a little girl's tale into a foul-mouthed adult fairy story style and back again, has no real ending (and no real story at all), and left me completely cold. Marks lost for foul language, too. Watch out for repetitive word use, and incorrect phrasing. The lisp was very much overdone, as was the "w" for "r" - just didn't make natural sense.

OP0068

Boom, Bang and Scream

Quite sweet look at sadness as the end of life approaches, in juxtaposition with new life. Nicely written, poignant.

OP0069

Making Room For 

An intriguing storyline, with quite good story-telling showing the seediness their lives have come to, and what they were and could have been is also implied. Punctuation and grammar poor; better polishing needed.

OP0070

So Quickly A Ghost

Well written, very visual, but a bit confusing in content. In a short story it's very difficult to run an A and B line together, and this one ended with wondering why the writer had tried to do so at all. I did think some of the subject matter was inappropriate for a the sponsor of this competition.

OP0071

Coffee and Pancakes 

(Full critique to be sent.) Quite quirky and not badly written, but ended weakly. Disappointing; this story showed a lot of promise and could be improved with more care and structuring.

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