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NOTES:

YOUNG WRITERS' SHORT STORY COMPETITION 2008/2009
HIGHLY COMMENDED

Please note: this work is copyright by the author and may not be used, copied or shared in any way whatso-ever without his/her express written permission. If you wish to be put in contact with this author, please contact us.

This story text appears exactly as sent in by the writer. No changes or corrections have been made; however, all stories to be included in the published Anthology will be edited for grammar and punctuation before printing.

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"Betrayal"

by Chantelle Roome (13 yrs) - Christchurch, New Zealand
(Ages given are at time of entering the competition)
 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Chantelle Roome: "I like creative writing better than formal writing and enjoy making up short stories. I read loads of books and my favourite type is girly stories. I’ve liked reading since I was little and always have books out from the library. I also enjoy music, going out with friends and chatting on facebook. Drama is fun too and I’m in the Wizard of Oz production that my school is putting on this year."

COMMENTS FROM JUDGES:

Well put together, with a good moral to the story. A strong intro paragraph that leads us with expectancye into the main body, which carries us through the betrayal and in itself leads us into the next expectation - revenge. But the ending does a neat turnaround, and gives us something to think about, with a good punchline to finish. Excellent structuring. The writing itself flows well, though a bit of work on the paragraphing would help emphasise the melody, and give the reader's mind "breathing moments" in the right places. Remember that the paragraph is a powerful weapon in an author's toolbelt. The title might also be improved - perhaps "Betrayal and Redemption" would better suit the story? Really enjoyed this!
 

THE STORY:

It was so embarrassing! I can’t believe Caitlyn would have been capable of being so mean. Let me start at the beginning, Caitlyn and I have grown up together. We went to the same schools, were in the same classes, even dressed the same. But ever since day one Caitlyn had it in for me. Then when I got rejected and made a complete fool out of myself, Caitlyn saw the perfect opportunity to make me suffer.

A couple of weeks ago I asked out my crush – Sam – and surprisingly he said yes. We went on a few dates and after a while I began to think our relationship was getting serious. We were sitting in Pizza Hut at the window table that looked over the beach, deep in conversation. I was staring into those beautiful blue eyes and I just couldn’t resist. I leant forward and found myself pouting about three centimetres from his lips. I closed my eyes and pushed myself a little bit further. But after what seemed like 30 centimetres, I opened my eyes and Sam was nowhere in sight. Maybe he’s gone to the loo I thought, my hopes sinking after every second that went by. But after ten minutes I knew for sure that Sam had gone. He’d done a runner, left me high and dry.

I ran home not worrying about my aching legs. The next day when I got to school, I found Hundreds of posters with a picture of me trying to kiss thin air. The caption read “Lonely Girl needs lover!” I couldn’t believe it. I was so upset. This had Caitlyn’s name written all over it. I knew I had to face up to her so I trudged to class and gave her evil stares all through Science and Geography. Hopefully my looks didn’t give away the fact that I was plotting the perfect revenge.

She sauntered up to me during morning tea and started talking, ”You now that Sam was dared to go with you,” she spat. “He never actually liked you. I, of course, knew this before your little date and, being me, I took a photo of you trying to kiss him.” I couldn’t do anything, I was in so much shock. Caitlyn had sabotaged any chance I ever had at having a boyfriend at that school.

My opportunity for payback came two weeks later when Caitlyn went to the loo and somehow got her school skirt tucked into the back of her knickers. I saw her strut out of the room and glide down the empty corridor. This cannot be happening, I chuckled to myself, but as I followed her down the hallway I saw a life skills poster hanging on the wall saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. It made me think about me being in that situation and how much I would hate her for not telling me. But then I thought about the embarrassment she had deliberately caused me and how much she deserved payback. I walked down the corridor, as close to her as I could get without being suspicious. Though, no matter how mean I felt like being, I couldn’t get those words out of my head. I had spent hours plotting my revenge on Caitlyn, but now that I had my chance, I couldn’t do it, it just didn’t feel right.  “Um, hey Caitlyn, you might want to pull the back of your skirt down,” Her face turn bright red as she realised what had happened. Suddenly the figure I had been staring at disappeared into a classroom, then emerged again, with its skirt placed back into position. “Oh my word! I can’t believe I was about to walk out there looking like that, I would have died, thank you so, so much!”

I walked into my next class with a much lighter heart. I was surprised at how good it felt that Caitlyn wasn’t being ridiculed by just about everybody in the school grounds.

Maybe revenge isn’t as sweet as it’s cracked up to be.
 

Copyright (c) 2009 by Chantelle Roome - do not reproduce
without the author's written permission!

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